185. Wisdom For Life’s Relationships: Dealing With Anger In Ourselves (Proverbs 19:11)

4/13/2025

Turn with me to Proverbs 19:11-12. These are our verses to begin studying and memorizing.

Proverbs 19:11-12 A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression. 12 The king’s wrath is like the roaring of a lion, But his favor is like dew on the grass.

Introduction

Have you ever had someone cut you off while driving and it just brought your anger and frustration from 0 to 60 in half a second? Have you ever gotten news about changes at work that made no sense and added extra burdens to you which just made you want to quit immediately in a fiery tirade? Have you ever had people say things to you or about you (or maybe when you were a kid about your mother) which set your temper boiling? Has someone in your family ever done something or not done something which they know (or should know) really bothers you? In all of these situations, and many more, we immediately have a choice in front of us on what we will do with the anger that begins to skyrocket in our hearts. Proverbs 19:11 gives us wisdom on how we should respond.

Have you ever had to deal with a critical issue with a family member, teacher, boss, or government leader who had authority over you in a situation? Have you ever had a big project, a job, or an opportunity hang in the balance over your interactions with someone else? Proverbs 19:12 gives us wisdom on the extremes—both good and bad—that can occur from those in authority over us.

These two verses come within the context of a section of proverbs that goes from Proverbs 18:22 to Proverbs 19:24. In these verses we are being given wisdom for life’s relationships. First we looked briefly at marriage, then we looked at friendships, and now we are looking at broader relationships within society. Through all these verses we are looking to have the wisdom of God to find the good that God designed for these relationships. To find that good we are going to have to learn how to deal both with anger within ourselves, as well as from others.

With that in mind, we are going to take a closer look now at Proverbs 19:11. Lord willing next time we will look at Proverbs 19:12.

11 A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.

Prudence promotes patience in people (self-control), and overlooking offenses is praiseworthy. This proverb emphasizes that having wisdom produces restraint over our tempers, prevents retaliation, and promotes reconciliation and forgiveness.

The expression behind “slow to anger” here is a picturesque one. A man’s discretion lengthens his face or makes his face long. We do not have an expression quite like this in English, but in this context we can picture a stoic, long, unexpressive face staring back at us. No matter what is said offensively to this kind of person they have this neutral unaffected face. It’s like one’s words are hitting a brick wall. There is no immediate visible response.

The wise person has enough discernment to keep even their face from responding to the offensive actions or words that have been done against them. They know that their initial response is likely not going to be the right one. They know that they need to think carefully to make sure that they respond in a godly way to what is going on. They know that an angry response is just going to inflame the situation; not resolve it. So they have enough self-control to guard their words, actions, and even facial expressions. Then they can think carefully about what the appropriate or needed response will be. This is what prudence, discretion, wisdom, and self-control will grow us into being able to do when inflammatory, concerning, tragic, foolish, sinful, or discouraging circumstances occur. This self-control prevents us from dishonoring the Lord, ruining relationships, doing things we should not do, saying things we should not say, or otherwise responding sinfully in our flesh rather than righteously by the Holy Spirit.¹

In his commentary on this verse Charles Bridges helpfully asked, “What is anger, but temporary madness?” He further notes that:

An affront therefore is the test, whether he has discretion, or whether he is the slave of his own passion. The standard of common usage is—‘To be even, and return one insult by another.’ The Christian standard is to be above; “not rendering railing for railing, but contrariwise blessing.”²

He wrote in the 1800’s. So his language is a bit archaic. But we get the point. When people offend us our response shows whether we have wisdom or not. If we respond in the flesh by doing what everyone else does and try to get even or to give an insult in return, then we do not have wisdom. We are lashing out thoughtlessly and emotionally. We are not living by God’s standard which He has given to His people. As Christians we are not to be returning evil for evil. Rather, according to 1 Peter 3:9, we are to be returning blessings for the evil and insults which people give to us. If we do that, we show that indeed we have wisdom and are living by it. That is what will ultimately produce good in our relationships with people.

The second part of our proverb highlights this aspect of how we should respond. It does not merely restate the first part of the proverb. Rather, it takes the situation even farther. Not only does wisdom prevent us from exercising our anger rashly, it also enables us to ignore offenses. It enables us to forgive transgressions. It enables us to keep them from affecting us and our relationship with other people. It enables and pushes us to respond in love with what would be best for the other person regardless of its cost to us. In short it enables us to love like Jesus has loved us.³

Scriptural Example: In Scripture we see the perfect example of this proverb with God’s love towards us. Before we ever get to the New Testament and Jesus we see God’s descriptions of Himself in Exodus 34:4-7. This passage records the second time that God wrote the ten commandments on stone for Moses. The first time Moses had ended up breaking the tablets when he discovered the people worshipping the golden calf. At this time God highlighted some of His nature and character.

Exodus 34:4-7 So he cut out two stone tablets like the former ones, and Moses rose up early in the morning and went up to Mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him, and he took two stone tablets in his hand. 5 The LORD descended in the cloud and stood there with him as he called upon the name of the LORD. 6 Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; 7 who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”

While most surely punishing the unrepentant wicked, God is a God who is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness. He forgives iniquity, transgression, and sin. Around the time of the exile and captivity of the northern tribes Micah reiterates God’s love and forgiveness to Israel.

Micah 7:18-20 Who is a God like You, who pardons iniquity And passes over the rebellious act of the remnant of His possession? He does not retain His anger forever, Because He delights in unchanging love. 19 He will again have compassion on us; He will tread our iniquities under foot. Yes, You will cast all their sins Into the depths of the sea. 20 You will give truth to Jacob And unchanging love to Abraham, Which You swore to our forefathers From the days of old.

Because of God’s righteousness and holiness He is always going to have a just basis for this forgiveness, this pardoning of iniquity, and this casting all their sins into the depths of the sea. As verse 20 says, God “will give truth to Jacob and unchanging love to Abraham.” He did this in the coming of Jesus. As John 14:6 tells us, Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through” Him. As John 3:16 says, “God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” Jesus lived sinlessly. He offered His own life as substitute and ransom for the sins of all those—both Jews and Gentiles—who would repent and come in faith to Him.

Jesus is the perfect expression of this patient and forgiving love of God. As Jesus hung dying on the cross held in place by nails which sinful mankind had pounded through His hands and feet, and as religious leaders, a fellow criminal, and others who passed by hurled insults at Him, and as the soldiers mocked and played dice to steal his clothes—do you know what Jesus said? Luke 23:33-34 records His loving prayer for them.

Luke 23:33-34 When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. 34 But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves.

He did not return insults for their abuse. He returned blessings, prayers, and love. He gave His own life for their eternal salvation and for ours. Despite knowing the depths of their depravity, and despite knowing how we too would defy, mock, and ignore Him throughout our lives He loved us anyway.

This kind of response, though, was not limited to Jesus. We see it with Steven as the religious leaders stoned him to death after proclaiming to them their need to repent. Acts 7:58-60 records this.

Acts 7:58-60 When they had driven him out of the city, they began stoning him; and the witnesses laid aside their robes at the feet of a young man named Saul. 59 They went on stoning Stephen as he called on the Lord and said, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit!” 60 Then falling on his knees, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!” Having said this, he fell asleep.

Even as he was dying at their hands he was concerned for their souls. What glory that was for him to overlook their transgressions! What wisdom that was for him to see beyond his own pain and the evil of their sin to see their need for God’s forgiveness! Wisdom can enable us all to look beyond our suffering and our circumstances to see things from God’s perspective and then act on that based on what is truly, good, right and best. Wisdom will enable us to bring good, true eternal good, into our relationships regardless of how other people treat us and regardless of our circumstances.

Paul exemplified this in his ministry. We see this in 1 Corinthians 4. In this book Paul is dealing with quite a number of sin problems within the church. They were proud. They were making divisions among themselves based on what teacher they most followed. Some were slandering Paul. Some were going off into extreme immorality. Others were tolerating it. Some were making lawsuits against fellow believers. Some were getting drunk; abusing and disregarding poor fellow believers. Some were misusing their spiritual gifts and spreading pandemonium in the worship services. Things were pretty bad.

In trying to bring them back to humbly serving God Paul ends up challenging them strongly in 1 Corinthians 4:7-16. In doing so he gives the way of life and ministry that we are all supposed to live by.

1 Corinthians 4:7-16 For who regards you as superior? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it? 8 You are already filled, you have already become rich, you have become kings without us; and indeed, I wish that you had become kings so that we also might reign with you. 9 For, I think, God has exhibited us apostles last of all, as men condemned to death; because we have become a spectacle to the world, both to angels and to men. 10 We are fools for Christ’s sake, but you are prudent in Christ; we are weak, but you are strong; you are distinguished, but we are without honor. 11 To this present hour we are both hungry and thirsty, and are poorly clothed, and are roughly treated, and are homeless; 12 and we toil, working with our own hands; when we are reviled, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure; 13 when we are slandered, we try to conciliate; we have become as the scum of the world, the dregs of all things, even until now. 14 I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children. 15 For if you were to have countless tutors in Christ, yet you would not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. 16 Therefore I exhort you, be imitators of me.

The proclamation of the gospel and the discipleship of the believers was more important to Paul than his suffering, than his hardships, than his persecution, than his hunger, than his physical lack of adequate clothing, than having a home, than being honored, than being treated nicely, than holding on to his pride, than holding on to his rights and what he deserved, than his being offended. Through it all he proclaimed the gospel. Through it all he worked to further the work of the ministry and help believers to grow in following Jesus. Thus he blessed when reviled. Thus, he endured when persecuted. Thus he tried to reconcile and be a peace-maker when he was slandered.

He did not look to find excuses to be offended against others. He did not look to always get his way. He did use some of his privileges, but he did not look to hold onto every last one of his rights and prerogatives. He did not fight for himself. He did not exalt himself. He exalted Christ. He worked for what was best for the believers spiritually and for the proclamation of the gospel.

As a Roman citizen Paul did exert his rights after the fact when he and Silas were illegally beaten in Philippi in Acts 16:35-40. But most likely this was done to help put the fledgling believers in the city in a better public standing with the magistrates to prevent their persecution after his departure. Thus even this was done to aid in further proclamation of the gospel and to help others. Similarly, when he was apprehended in other places he did what he could to further his God-given ministry. He did not needlessly throw his life away or masochistically embrace suffering. Yet through it all he was not afraid of sacrifice or serving others at his own expense.

There in 1 Corinthians 47-16 Paul ends his explanation of his focus and ministry by exhorting believers to imitate him. As Christians, as true followers of Jesus, as those who have been redeemed and forgiven of our sins God has a new way of life for us. He has a new purpose for us. If we rightly see it and are living in it then we will be able to overlook offenses—whether coming from a fellow believer or from an unbeliever. We will be able to continue loving and serving them until our deaths. We will see our mission and purpose in fulfilling our part of the great commission so clearly that no needed sacrifice will be too great. Jesus died for us. What then is a little suffering, sacrifice, and service now for the few days that we have on this earth until we die and go be with Him forever in the glorious home that He has gone and prepared for us? This ought to be our response to the offenses which people do against us. We should love them so well that instead of taking offense we look for how we can best help them even if it costs us.

Proverb in Comparison: When we compare this proverb with the rest of Scripture we do come to understand that there is a difference between overlooking a transgression and sweeping a matter under the rug. An offense done personally against oneself often does not need to be blown up into a big issue. Sometimes issues do not even need to be mentioned. Other times they do need to be personally addressed for growth, clarification, or some other edifying reason—like Paul did with the Corinthians. Yet, we must not let our flesh take the issues further. We can graciously and righteously deal with them without holding onto any bitterness, revenge, manipulation, or other sinful purpose. To do this we probably will need to carefully examine our hearts before the Lord and then honestly seek out what is the most God-honoring course of action.

In these ways, then, we can deal with issues by overlooking a transgression in its offense against us personally without ignoring the real problem or sweeping it under the rug. When we do this we show that we value the person more than their mistake or transgression against us. We show that we care about them and their growth more than getting our way, shaming them, or getting revenge. When we love people like this we love them like Jesus loved us. It is a glorious thing that exalts God and shows our Christ-likeness.

On the other hand, when we respond with anger, vitriol, a temper-tantrum, revenge, or manipulation we show our sinful, fleshly response that matches (or even exceeds) their thoughtless or sinful action. That does not bring us any praise. Rather, it brings us into needing correction as well. The right way to handle issues is to respond to an offense with blessing, love, truth, kindness, understanding, and goodness. As Romans 12:21 says, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

None of this, though, means that we ignore any sin that needs to be addressed. The rest of Scripture makes this pretty clear with the responsibilities that are given to parents, church leaders, and governments. They are to correct, discipline, judge, and protect people. As part of loving their children parents are still to admonish and discipline them. Churches are still to confront sin and exercise church discipline. Governments are still to bear the sword and execute justice. (See Ephesians 6:4, 1 Corinthians 5, 2 Corinthians 2, Titus 1, 1 Timothy 5, 2 Timothy 4, and Romans 13.) Paul’s letters to Corinth and the other churches, alongside of God’s direction on exercising church discipline, all emphasize that sin must not be tolerated or excused.

As we carry out those responsibilities, there is still a vast place in our lives to keep ourselves from being offended and bothered by the many little and accidental issues that people do to us. Most things do not need to be made big issues, and the way that we exercise self-control in response to even those minor issues can end up reflecting to others God’s undeserved love which He has been showing to us. Similarly, even when issues are more major and do have to be addressed we need to exercise self-control to make sure that we handle them righteously without revenge, bitterness, or anger tainting our response. “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God,” as James 1:20 says. Instead, we ought to be able from the heart to ask God to forgive them like Jesus did for us when He was on the cross (Luke 23:34). Through it all we should desire and work towards their repentance, restoration, and growth. If we treat people like this it will indeed be to our glory and ultimately to God’s glory since it is He who enables us to love like He loves.

Ephesians 4:23-27 sums things up this way:

Ephesians 4:23-27 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. 25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another. 26 BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.

Truth in Connection: As we apply this proverb to our lives we need to realize that Satan wants to destroy our families. Satan wants to destroy our churches. Satan wants to destroy any Christ exalting aspect of our communities and nation. Anger is one of his powerful tools to do this. He wants to cause rifts in families, churches, friends, communities, ethnicities, and nations.

We must determine not to allow him to do so. We must determine what our most important priorities are in life according to God’s perspective and then be willing to work through (and past) differences, misunderstandings, and disagreements. We must determine to let God’s wisdom guide our actions rather than our emotions and knee jerk reactions. We must determine to have God’s love and truth guide our actions rather than a letting a desire for getting our way, for getting even, or for retaliating hijack our responses.

If we allow anger to control us it will blow an issue out of proportion to reality and our response will be overboard and destructive. We have to be careful about playing the game in our minds of “If he or she does this, then I am going to go nuclear and do this. It’s game over. I am done. I quit. I am leaving. I will not participate, etc.” If we do this, threats, ultimatums, and manipulations will enter our minds and can even come out of our mouths. We can get so caught up in our “rights,” how we have been offended, how we have been ignored, or how we have been mistreated, etc. that we stew over issues and allow our anger to push us into irrational decisions that sacrifice glorifying God for making our point and getting our way. Then if things do not go our way we can end up going farther than we ever thought we would and bring shame on the name of the Lord. If it goes far enough our pride can then keep us from getting back to being spirit controlled, to working towards reconciliation, and to admitting our over-reactions and blowing issues out of proportion. Instead, our grudges and bitterness control us. They divide us, and keep us from truly being loving followers of Jesus and from making disciples who walk both in truth and love.

There is definitely a time to take a “do or die” stand on some moral or theological issues when it truly glorifies God to do so. But this will occur far fewer times in our lives than our pride would have us think. If we are not careful our flesh will convince us to think that every offense, mistake, transgression, failure, disagreement, difference in opinion, or difference of interpretation should result in an ultimatum, battle, or rupture in relationship.

Instead, Scripture commands us in Romans 12:18 “so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Jesus said in John 13:35 “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” God showed us how we know love and then commanded us how to carry it out in 1 John 3:16 “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” Ephesians 4:31 also says this: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

We will have to deal with many differences and misunderstandings throughout life. But the way we do things matters. Why we do things matters. When we do things matters. Knee jerk reactions based on our anger is not walking by the Holy Spirit. It is walking by our sinful flesh. Our goal must never be to make our point and get our way. That hurts the name of Christ. That unnecessarily divides Christ’s body. That gets in the way of and prevents ministry and fulfilling the great commission as Jesus commands.

When we do the wrong things, or even the right things in the wrong way then we are in the wrong. Our goal must be to glorify God in all that we do. If we are honestly bringing glory to God by what we do and say and by how we do and say it, then we will always be speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). We will be working for the best interests of others. We will not be doing things with bitterness or anger. We will learn how to overlook transgressions, how to work through offenses graciously, how to prevent bitterness from taking root in our heart, and how to serve one another in love.

Through it all we will be doing things truly for God’s honor and glory. We will be doing things to truly help others. We will be having the attitude of thinking about others and what helps them most rather than about ourselves. This is exactly what God commanded us in Philippians 2:2-8.

Philippians 2:2-8 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

That attitude of humble, loving service which does not hold onto our rights is what should characterize our lives. That produces good. That is praiseworthy. That is wisdom. Rushing to anger is not.

Yet, on our own being slow to anger and overlooking offenses like this is impossible. It can only come by trusting in God’s Word that what He says is true—that loving this way will ultimately produce good for our relationships and lives. It can only come by trusting that God’s way is better than our way. It can only come by surrendering our pride and recognizing our need for God to save us from our sins and enable us to love this way. On our own this kind of sacrificial love is impossible. We are too selfish. We are too proud. We must surrender to Jesus as our Lord and Savior and then daily surrender to walking by His Holy Spirit and to having His truth guide our minds. We must take up our cross—consider ourselves dead to our sinful flesh—and follow Jesus in what He declares is right and best.

Have you trusted in Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Do you recognize your sin as the defiance that it is against the holy God who made you? Do you see the death that your sin brings upon you in your relationship to God, and in your other relationships? Do you see your inability to overcome your sin and to reconcile yourself to God? Do you see your inability to live in love towards people like we have seen in the lives of Jesus, Stephen, and Paul? Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty for all our sin and to redeem us from the eternal judgment that we all deserve. Then He rose from the grave after three days, overcoming sin and death to bring us life. Will you trust in Him as your Lord and Savior and receive this gift of life and love from Him? Trust Him.

In saving us He regenerates us from the dead spiritually. He gives us His Holy Spirit to indwell us. He makes us part of His family. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. He gives us His spiritual gifts to love and serve one another. He gives us a new life and purpose in being ambassadors for Him and in making disciples of all nations as we share the amazing news of His death, burial, and resurrection for the redemption of souls. He calls us to follow Him in every area of our lives.

The difference now in our lives is not that we will no longer have temptations and struggles. No, they will be with us for the rest of our lives. Rather, the difference is that almighty God is with us. Since He is with us, who can be against us? None are more powerful than Him. He has shown us His love. He is with us to renew our minds and to have His miraculous love pour through us unceasingly onto other undeserving sinners. This is how He has loved and is loving us. This is how He wants us to love others.

If you are truly a believer in Jesus as your Lord and Savior are you living in these truths of His presence with you and power in you? Are you showing this love to others? Are you being made slow to anger by His wisdom being worked out in your life? Are you overlooking the transgressions of others against you? Are you doing what is best for others in the ways that you respond to their offenses? Are you helping others know the love of Jesus and grow in it by the love of Jesus being shown through your humble, sacrificial, serving love?

If not, let’s grasp this vision of God’s wisdom for our relationships and of His amazing, divine love towards us and depend on Him day by day to begin living it out to others. May we commit to following Him in these areas of our lives in the ways that we respond to the offenses of others against us. May we do this within our families, with our spouses, with our children, with our neighbors, with our co-workers, with our bosses, with the people who bother us while driving, with our government, with our social media interactions, with those who revile us when we try to share the gospel, with one another here at church, and with all other people that we meet throughout our lives. May Christ’s sacrificial love flow through us to them regardless of what offenses they commit against us. May we truly live for God’s glory as His ambassadors and servants.

Conclusion

If you have any questions on any of this or want help in coming to know Jesus as your Lord and Savior please come talk with us. We are available. Let’s pray.

© 2025, Kevin A. Dodge, All rights reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible^® (NASB),Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org