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Editor’s note: The resources recommended in our On the Shelf series are the opinions of the featured individuals, not those of Logos. We are publishing a breadth of voices to reflect varying perspectives within the church.
Timothy Muehlhoff is a professor of communication at Biola University in La Mirada, California, where he teaches classes in marriage and family communication and conflict resolution. He is the co-director of the Winsome Conviction Project.
His latest book is: End the Stalemate: Move Past Cancel Culture to Meaningful Conversations (Tyndale Elevate, 2024).
1. The Argument Culture: Moving from Debate to Dialogue, by Deborah Tannen
How did we get to a place where having productive disagreements seems almost impossible? In the 1990s, Georgetown linguist Deborah Tannen coined the term “argument culture” and gives a fascinating account of how we arrived at our current toxic communication climate.
2. High Conflict: Why We Are Trapped and How to Get Out, by Amanda Ripley
While Tannen predicted today’s argument culture, Ripley puts a modern spin on it and shows how we can still have productive disagreements even when the conflict runs high.
3. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Shelia Heen
Who do world leaders go to for advice when facing conflict? The Harvard Negotiation Project is the top mediating group in the world! Thank goodness they put their insights into a popular book accessible to non-experts. If you are wondering how to actually organize a difficult conversation, this book is for you!
4. The Lost Discipline of Conversation: Surprising Lessons in Spiritual Formation Drawn from the English Puritans, by Joanne J. Jung
Let’s not forget that quarreling and heated disagreement are nothing new. Much can be learned from how Christians before us approached conflict from a distinctly spiritual view rooted in the Scriptures.
5. 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, by John Gottman
Gottman is today’s top relationship expert and his books are must-reading for anyone—married or single—who wants to learn not only how to have productive conversations, but thriving relationships. His “Four Horseman of a Relational Apocalypse” is one of the most-quoted criteria to determine if your relationship is in serious trouble. Good news: He also tells you how to fix a relationship that exhibits these traits.
6. End the Stalemate: Move Past Cancel Culture to Meaningful Conversations, by Sean McDowell & Tim Muehlhoff
Okay, it may be a little odd to list one of my own books, but hear me out. Most of us learn not only by reading about an issue, but by seeing principles put into action. McDowell’s YouTube channel has over 300,000 subscribers who watch him engage people with whom he disagrees, and my Winsome Conviction podcast is designed to bring people together who feel there is little common ground to be found. The book gives you the principles we use to open conversations, not close them. You judge how well we do.
7. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond, by Patricia Evans
Not all conflict is equal. Some of our arguments bleed into verbal abuse. Evans provides helpful criteria to determine if your present disagreement or relationship has turned toxic—and if it has, how to get safely out.
8. The Connected Life: The Art and Science of Relational Spirituality, by Todd W. Hall
The Scriptures command us to speak truth in love (Eph 4:15). To be honest, many of us just want to set a person straight while in an argument by presenting the cold hard truth. Yet, we are to always balance truth with love. Hall explains what it means to be connected to God in a way that bleeds into our relationships and communication. Being loving truth-tellers isn’t easy, but Hall reminds us with God’s help, it’s possible.
9. I Told Me So: Self-Deception and the Christian Life, by Matityahu Clark
To have productive disagreements entails starting with our own emotions and biases. But how do we know if we are biased or deceived about our motives? This short—yet incredibly insightful and convicting book—helps us to mirror King David’s advice to search our own hearts.
10. Talking About Race: Gospel Hope for Hard Conversations, by Isaac Adams
Let’s be honest, it’s easy to read books about communication strategies in the comfort of our own home or office. It’s another thing to apply it to issues that provoke strong emotions. When it comes to talking about race, we need a guide to help us understand what the Scriptures say about this often explosive issue. Adams’s creative use of fictional narratives is really helpful and engaging.
11. The Spirit of Our Politics: Spiritual Formation and the Renovation of Public Life, by Michael Wear
In the same category as race is the topic of politics. Many of us simply avoid the issue altogether. And yet, shouldn’t Christians, of all people, have a plan on how to represent God’s perspective in today’s public square? Wear brings to this book his extensive knowledge of the late Dallas Willard and years of public service on Capitol Hill.
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