Stop “Winning” Arguments: 5 Practices for Better Apologetic Conversations

I have what is in my opinion a dream job. I’m a Christian apologist. I spend my days defending Christianity and arguing why it is the best explanation for the way the world is.

But apologetics involves more than just defending a Christian worldview. It includes relaying those answers in a way people can hear and grasp. It’s about having conversations that matter with people who matter.

As 1 Peter 3:15 says, we are to “sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence” (emphasis added).¹ Sometimes we forget the last five words. It’s easy to get caught up in debate and lose sight of the person. I’m guilty of this.

So how do we avoid this pitfall? Here are five practices that can help us offer a defense for the Christian worldview in a manner that is gentle but effective.

Table of contents

1. Be present
2. Listen intently
3. Ask questions
4. Be honest
5. Be gracious
   Conclusion

1. Be present

Multitasking is a myth. In fact, recent studies in neuroscience show our brains can’t actually do two things at once. What we call multitasking is simply switching between tasks rapidly—and there is a cost. When we try to do more than one thing at a time, our performance drops across the board.²

The same holds true for conversation. Divided attention ruins a conversation. You can’t connect well with someone while simultaneously trying to do something else. You cannot truly engage someone while scrolling on Instagram, attending to your smart watch, or reading the news headlines.

Jesus knew this and modeled what it looks like to have undistracted, fully present conversations with people. Jesus’s interaction with the woman at the well in John 4:7–26 is a perfect example. Weary and tired from traveling, he sits and listens to the Samaritan woman despite cultural, ethnic, and gender barriers. He’s undistracted.

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So remove anything that might distract you from the conversation. That likely means putting your phone in your pocket until the conversation is over. Better yet, consider leaving your phone in the car. A radical idea, I know! Try it, and notice how it changes your experience.

Removing distractions is only half the battle. We also need to be actively present in the moment. This means not thinking about what’s happened at work that day or what you’ve got to do tomorrow. Don’t be half in the conversation and half someplace else.

Christian apologists can be some of the worst at this because we’re often thinking about the next steps in the conversation. After all, Peter tells us to “always be ready,” and ready we are! However, in our zeal and preparedness, we forget to be present.

Doing apologetics is more than giving answers to questions. Behind every question is a questioner. In order to be an effective apologist, you have to be present with the questioner. So, be in that moment, there, with that person—and listen intently. This brings us to our second principle.

2. Listen intently

The number one tip I can give towards being an effective apologist might surprise you. It has little to do with offering a defense. It’s to listen and be genuinely interested in the other person. This might sound simple, but genuine listening is rare.

Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame on him.” Listening well is the first step in apologetics. If you don’t listen to someone, how will you know what their question is? When you don’t listen, you can end up spending time answering questions they don’t even have. As apologists, we want to listen carefully first, then provide an answer. It’s a fool who rushes in with answers before understanding.

In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Simon & Schuster, 1989), Steven Covey says, “Most of us don’t listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply.”³ Often, we’d rather talk, so we don’t listen to each other. We start to formulate a response instead of hearing all the person has to say. This isn’t listening. This is formulating a response. Remember, we’re trying to have a profitable conversation, not prove a point.

Being a good apologist starts with listening. Jesus knew this. In John 3:1–21, Jesus was approached by Nicodemus and listened to each of his questions. After listening, Jesus addressed Nicodemus’s deepest concerns.

The person with whom you’re talking is made in the image of God. That fact alone makes them worthy of our time and undivided attention.

To help you listen better, remember that people are amazing! The person with whom you’re talking is made in the image of God. Think about that. That fact alone makes them worthy of our time and undivided attention. So enter every conversation wanting to learn about your conversation partner. As you listen, they will become less guarded and more willing to share with you.

Here’s how I prepare myself to listen well. Every morning when I wake up, I offer a quick prayer. Nothing profound. (I have four young kids, so nothing lengthy, either!) It usually goes something like this:

Lord God thank you for this day you’ve made special and unique. Thank you for using me according to your master plan. Help me walk in the steps you’ve planned, and allow me to see people as you see them.

That last part is key. I want to see people as God sees them. Every day, I remind myself each person is made in God’s image. This truth reframes my posture, especially as I seek to engage people in conversations. It helps me actually listen to them—and listening is where apologetics starts.

Yet listening often raises questions, which is the third method in effective apologetics.

3. Ask questions

Albert Einstein is credited for saying, “If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend fifty-five minutes thinking about the problem and five minutes thinking about solutions.” Similarly, if an apologist has only an hour with someone, they should spend the first fifty-five minutes asking questions and finding out what’s troubling their heart and mind, and the last five minutes sharing the truth.

In your apologetics, you’ll want to lead with questions. Why? Questions are polite and help you gather information about what others believe. They are also a powerful tool to help guide conversation.

Jesus was constantly asking questions (Matt 6:27; 7:3–4; 16:13–15; Mark 3:4; 8:17, 29; Luke 6:46; 8:25; 9:25; John 1:38; 11:26; 18:34). Is that because he did not know a lot of things? No! It is because he understood the rhetorical power of using questions as a means of communicating truth.

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In his book Tactics: A Game Plan for Discussing Your Christian Convictions (HarperCollins, 2009), Greg Koukl teaches the art of asking questions. He calls it the Columbo tactic, after the 80s television detective played by Peter Falk. Koukl uses open-ended questions like, “Why do you believe that?”; “How’d you come to that conclusion?”; and of course, “What do you mean by that?” in order to steer conversations.

Open-ended questions help you understand what a person thinks so you don’t misunderstand or misrepresent their views. But it also makes that person feel valued and heard. Questions can be disarming and often help bring down a person’s defensive walls. Think about it: When someone asks you a genuine question and waits for you to answer, you feel seen, heard, and respected.

But questions also help your conversation partner think about what they’re saying. As a result, when they do answer, their response becomes much more interesting. Proverbs 20:5 says, “A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out.” This is what questions do. They help draw out the purposes of a person’s heart: what the person believes and why they believe it.

Keep in mind that when you ask questions, people often won’t have an answer. People don’t always think through the things they say they believe. This is especially true living in a world defined by hashtags and memes. Asking questions can expose this.

For example, I recently attended a large march in Washington, DC. Marchers protested many issues. Many were holding signs. Walking through the sea of people, I noticed a young man with a sign that said, “Human Rights for All People.”

“Can I ask you about your sign?” I asked.

He said I could. I followed up with, “What do you mean by ‘all people’?”

“I mean everyone,” he answered,

“Do you include the pre-born in that, as well?” I asked. From there we were able to consider his perspective.

But notice how I began, “Could I ask you about your sign?” It’s a non-confrontational question. I’m simply being curious. I’m not launching into “debate-mode.” I’m simply starting a conversation. From there, I move into a more strategic question. I’m testing this man’s viewpoint with a question. I’m not attacking him. I’m probing.

Remember, you don’t need to make your point right away. Sometimes asking a simple question can help expose shallow or dishonest thinking. Which leads to our fourth point.

4. Be honest

It may seem obvious, but it is worth mentioning: Be honest. When you don’t know something, say so. It’s okay not to have all the answers.

In fact, saying, “I don’t know” can be one of the most powerful things you can say in a conversation. When you admit you do not know something, you show humility—and humility shines in an age dominated by gotcha videos, viral takedown clips, and snarky memes. When you say, “That’s a good question. I don’t know the answer, but I’ll try to find one,” you display a rare humility, authenticity, and honesty.

Years ago, I talked with my atheist sister about the existence of the universe. I was a third-year graduate student and I’d just finished reading William Lane Craig. I introduced her to the Kalam cosmological argument. I was prepared and seemed to be able to answer every objection she raised. Things were going well. Until a new face joined the conversation.

My sister asked if she could invite her friend to join us. Since I was already doing so well, I didn’t have any objection. What’s one more atheist in the mix? This is when I met Louie, who had a PhD from MIT. Louie started using words I had never heard before. Now he seemed to have all the answers.

Instead of pretending to know more than I did, I said, “Hey Louie, you clearly know more about this topic than I do. Do you think you could pause for a second while I get something to write with? Then you can continue to explain what you believe while I take notes. Afterward, maybe I can get back to you.”

I was just honest. I slowed the conversation down. I asked questions. I listened some more. I took notes. Then after taking some time to process what he had said, I got back to Louie. In fact, Louie and I are still friends.

Notice what being honest did. First, it got me out of the hot seat. As I started trailing in the conversation, I didn’t run. I just slowed things down and asked more questions. Second, I got a free education. I learned from Louie. Third, I made a friend and opened the lines to more conversations.

If you can’t remember the details of your argument, like names and dates, that’s okay. Most people aren’t really interested in these details, anyway. They’re interested in you. They care about your thoughts, your likes and dislikes, not how many manuscript copies of Mark we have from the second century. At the end of the day, people may forget the details of the conversation, but they will remember you and how you made them feel. So, just be you.

How you speak to someone might be just as important as what you say to them, which brings us to the fifth and final method for doing apologetics well.

5. Be gracious

Far too often, apologists respond to unbelievers (and sometimes fellow believers) in uncharitable ways, even harshly. In contrast, consider Paul’s words in Colossians 4:5–6 (emphasis added):

Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.

I was talking with my non-Christian mother one night as a new believer. I no longer remember the exact conversation, but I do remember feeling like I was winning. Until my mom paused me mid-sentence and said, “Jon, what you’re saying sounds right, but the way you’re saying it is awful.” Ouch! I was saying true things, but my tone and aggressive nature muted that truth. My mother couldn’t hear the truth through my lack of grace.

Grace doesn’t mean sacrificing truth. It means delivering truth with kindness, patience, and respect.

Grace doesn’t mean sacrificing truth. It means delivering truth with kindness, patience, and respect. Sometimes how you say something is just as important as what you say. When you leave love and grace out of the conversation, all you’re left with is noise (1 Cor 13).

As Koukl says, the gospel is offensive enough, no need to add any offense to it. I couldn’t agree more. You can have all the right arguments, but without grace your apologetics likely won’t be effective.

Conclusion

We live in a world that trains us to be louder, to score points, and to win arguments. When Christians model charitable conversation and dialogue, our apologetics will stand out as countercultural. In the process, we will gain the opportunity to introduce others to the peace that comes with knowing Jesus.

So, here’s your apologetic plan:

1. Be present
2. Listen intently
3. Ask questions
4. Be honest
5. Be gracious

Jonathan Noyes’s suggested resources for further study

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