Reconciliation in the Bible: How to Heal Broken Relationships

1 week ago 17

To reconcile means to “bring back together.” But unless we approach it on the Bible’s terms, we will fail to account for it in the life of the church.

Until we place the concept of reconciliation within the Bible’s story—the original glory and community for which God created us and sin’s ruin of it—we risk approaching Christian reconciliation like an HR project. HRs seek to manage hazardous situations and mitigate hindrances to success. Such a managerial vision, however, fails to see human brokenness and trespass as the site of gospel work rather than a mere problem to be fixed.

The following provides twelve important truths from the Bible to keep in mind as we engage in the gospel work of forgiving, being forgiven, and reconciling as Christians.

1. God created humans for union, disrupted by the fall
2. Forgiveness paves the way for, but is different than, reconciliation
3. God’s reconciliation restores our union with him
4. Reconciliation heals the self through identity in Christ
5. Reconciliation unites believers into community, the church
6. Distinguishing faults from trespasses encourages reconciliation
7. Short accounts & quick repentance foster reconciliation
8. We forgive & reconcile because of God’s forgiveness & reconciliation
9. The church is to guide & support reconciliation
10. The work of reconciliation is hard—& sometimes doesn’t happen
11. Reconciliation does not turn back the clock
12. Reconciling with church leaders requires special care
Conclusion

1. God created humans for union, disrupted by the fall

In the beginning, Adam and Eve dwelt in unity with one another and with God. It was a blessed state (Gen 1:28), those early moments of life together. It was, in the words of God himself, “very good” (Gen 1:31). The fall of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, however, disrupted that unity of persons in communion.

Biblical glory is life together in and with God, who is himself a triune community of Persons. Sin is precisely a falling short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23).

And it is not that the fall merely instantiated a rupture in our relationship with God. No, the rupture goes all the way through every relationship. Because of sin, we are estranged from God, one another, and even our own selves. Adam and Eve not only find their relationship with God impaired (Gen 3:8—9), but also the relationship between the two of them (Gen 3:12), a situation which will mark nuptial life under the curse (Gen 3:16). But the first estrangement they feel immediately after eating the fruit is a shame about their own bodies: “and they saw they were naked and were ashamed” (Gen 3:7).

2. Forgiveness paves the way for, but is different than, reconciliation

Throughout Scripture, God is at work in bringing reconciliation and forgiveness.

But while the two concepts are related, they are not synonymous. Forgiveness names the act of granting a pardon for a fault or trespass. Reconciliation names the whole operation of restoring two parties who have been estranged. Forgiveness is always a part of reconciliation, but one can forgive and not yet be reconciled.

We can compare two examples from the Bible. First, in Genesis 33:1–11, we see Jacob and Esau experience a kind of forgiveness that approaches reconciliation. The two brothers forgive their past sins and faults and mend the breach between them. Yet ultimately, they both go separate ways (Gen 33:12–20), only to be reunited at their father’s funeral (Gen 35:29). While there is clear evidence of forgiveness here, there is no evidence that Jacob and Esau are ever brought back into convivial fellowship—of “doing life together,” as it were.

In contrast, Joseph and his brothers move beyond mere forgiveness (Gen 45:1–15) into true restoration of a common life. Joseph, at Pharaoh’s command, invites them to come down into Egypt and to share in his life there: “Take wagons from the land of Egypt for your little ones and your wives, and bring your father and come! Do not worry about your possessions, for the best of all the land of Egypt is yours” (Gen 45:19–20).¹

Forgiveness is always a part of reconciliation, but one can forgive and not yet undergo the whole process of being reconciled.

3. God’s reconciliation restores our union with him

The most foundational work of reconciliation occurs in restoring humanity’s relationship with God. Life with God is the ultimate beatitude (blessing) to which the ministry of reconciliation aims. This is the central proclamation of the gospel—that in Christ Jesus God forgives us and reconciles us to that full union with himself:

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come. And all these things are from God, who has reconciled us to himself through Christ, and who has given us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore we are ambassadors on behalf of Christ, as if God were imploring you through us. We beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made the one who did not know sin to be sin on our behalf, in order that we could become the righteousness of God in him. (2 Cor 5:17–21)

4. Reconciliation heals the self through identity in Christ

As noted above, the fall estranged Adam and Eve not only from others but from themselves. Paul gives a powerful summary of the self-alienating effects of sin: “For the good that I want to do, I do not do, but the evil that I do not want to do, this I do […] Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (Rom 7:19, 24).

Thus, another vital aspect of the gospel’s forgiveness and reconciliation is receiving wholeness through one’s identity in Christ—being reconciled with oneself. God’s forgiveness comes into the breach within the human person. Because God forgives me and has reconciled me to himself, I can find a wholeness, unity of person, and soundness of mind in the new identity I have in Christ. As Paul says, “I no longer live, but Christ lives in me, and that life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal 2:20, emphasis added).

5. Reconciliation unites believers into community, the church

It is often easy to stop the work of Christian reconciliation at reconciliation with God and inward restoration in Christ Jesus. But God’s purpose in creation is not merely to populate a world with isolated private selves. It is the sharing of glory and life as part of his people, a convivial humanity fully one and fully plural like the triune Creator (Eph 3:7–13).

Christian reconciliation has a necessary social dimension. Just as the gospel reconciles us to God, the gospel works to reconcile us with one another. Forgiveness and reconciliation between humans, particularly between believers, is therefore neither an arbitrary moral rule nor is it merely a practical necessity. Life together, sharing joy in the living God for his glory, is precisely what we have been saved for. This is the vision of human flourishing in the gospel that Jesus has in mind when he prays the “high priestly prayer” of John 17:23: “I in them, and you in me, in order that they may be completed in one, so that the world may know that you sent me, and you have loved them just as you have loved me.”

6. Distinguishing faults from trespasses encourages reconciliation

In working towards reconciliation, we’re helped by distinguishing between “faults,” which lack the intention to do harm, and “trespasses,” which aim at harming another person. However small this distinction may initially seem, it is incredibly important.

If someone accidentally bumps into another person, causing them to spill their coffee, the act creates a real problem with real consequences: coffee is spilled, a drink is ruined. Something must be done to restore the relationship to life and health. The person in error can provide an apology and offer to make things right without assuming the weight of a moral transgression. At the same time, the injured party need not load the fault with the language of intent and moral failing.

Sometimes, estrangement between two people occurs due to accreted faults allowed to stand unforgiven over a length of time. Like a jawbreaker candy, what may appear or feel like deep wounds are really confected layers of unresolved faults—things that still need to be made right, but not things that call for deep repentance. In situations such as these, identifying those places in the rift that result from “faults” and not necessarily “moral failings” can enable both parties to be free with their apologies and forgiveness.

Logos's Counseling Guide open to a search on Forgiveness.

Get practical insights on forgiveness with Logos’s Counseling Guide.

Evergreen Major Release Assets—Blog Footer Ad—Search The Bible The Way You Always Wished You Could—1200X300@2X

7. Short accounts & quick repentance foster reconciliation

As believers, we must be quick to acknowledge our faults and trespasses to others. Reconciliation ought to take a high priority in the Christian life, as Jesus taught his disciples: “Therefore if you present your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and first go be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your gift” (Matt 5:23–24).

We must also keep short accounts, confronting those who have wronged us with love and humility—and promptly. This can be difficult, but the difficulties that come by addressing those who have wronged us are rarely greater than the consequences of letting the offense stew and fester. Unresolved offenses, especially between Christians, almost always lead to deeper and more lasting harm. This is why we are instructed to not let the sun go down on our anger (Eph 4:26). Keep short accounts. They are easier to settle than long ones.

We must also be quick to extend the forgiveness that we have received from Christ to others. While the full process of reconciliation may take a good amount of time, forgiveness as an act should be something that every Christian is ready to do quickly. Being swift to forgive doesn’t mean forgiveness is easy or that full reconciliation will have occurred. But without forgiveness, it is hard to make additional steps towards reconciliation.

8. We forgive & reconcile because of God’s forgiveness & reconciliation

Our entire process of being reconciled to God was initiated by God who loved us even while we were “still sinners” and prodigals “still a long way off” (Rom 5:8; Luke 15:20). He made the move to draw near. He forgave us.

In response to God’s own swift kindness and forgiveness, we are to demonstrate the love of God by forgiving others the way God forgave us: “Become kind toward one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as also God in Christ has forgiven you” (Eph 4:32). God’s forgiveness of us serves as the basis for our forgiveness of others.

Moreover, Christians who have suffered wrongs (faults or trespasses) from others must be careful to remember the way in which Jesus linked our own forgiveness with our willingness to extend that same forgiveness to others: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt 6:14–15).

9. The church is to guide & support reconciliation

Jesus teaches that all forgiveness and reconciliation should be handled at the lowest appropriate interpersonal level possible when doing so would not place either party in an abusive situation: “Now if your brother sins against you, go correct him between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matt 18:15).

If forgiveness and reconciliation cannot be achieved for whatever reason on this level, then believers are instructed to scale-up the work of restoration by engaging the church community: “But if he does not listen, take with you in addition one or two others, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every matter may be established” (Matt 18:16, emphasis mine). Even as the Christian community is given a role in reconciliation, however, we must always try to handle things on the lowest appropriate ecclesiastical level.

Ultimately, if reconciliation cannot happen with the offended party by including members of the local Christian community in the process, it is the responsibility of the local church leadership to guide the process: “And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church” (Matt 18:17, emphasis mine).

Christian reconciliation aims at the mutual glory of both parties being restored to the joy of God’s convivial kingdom. Precisely for this reason, the Christian community has a vested interest in seeing that its members are living in peace and love with one another.

10. The work of reconciliation is hard—& sometimes doesn’t happen

Forgiveness and reconciliation are hard tasks and often take continual renewal. It is important to prepare both parties with a long vision for co-flourishing in the grace of the gospel (Phil 4:2–3). It is important to be just as real about the costs of “bearing one another’s burdens” (Gal 6:2) as it is to be real about the gospel-benefits of that work.

There are also tragic situations in which one or both of the estranged parties are not interested in forgiveness and/or reconciliation. Scripture treats such moments very seriously. If the goal of the Christian life is to be one even as Jesus and the Father are one (John 17:21), refusing the process of reconciliation diminishes the degree to which those believers will be able to actively participate in the joy of the kingdom prior to Christ’s return.

That some refuse to be reconciled is a heavy reality. So it is good for those who might be serving as mediators, often pastors and church leaders, to speak frankly and honestly about their own limitations and set proper expectations for those who are estranged. It is important to remember that reconciliation is, ultimately, a work of the Spirit of God as much as it is the work of brothers and sisters in Christ. We must approach the work of reconciliation and forgiveness with an abundance of hope in God, but not with illusions of our ability to control things.

11. Reconciliation does not turn back the clock

Additionally, it is important to remember that forgiveness and reconciliation do not restore the parties back to the kind of relationship that existed prior to the offense. Reconciliation does not cause one to travel back in time and fully recover a lost relational status.

Just as God’s plan to reconcile our race has not been about “turning the clock backwards” to achieve the early days of prelapsarian bliss, so also the goal of forgiveness and reconciliation is not backwards, but forwards (see Gen 3:24). One cannot go back to the time in the relationship with another believer before the breach or trespass. Those things, whether faults or sins, have brought a kind of death to the way things were.

The goal of reconciliation, therefore, is not resuscitation of “the way things were,” but the resurrection of the relationship, raising it to a new and more glorious state than before. In this way, Christian forgiveness and reconciliation do to our social lives what the Lord will do to our bodies on the last day, when what is mortal is clothed with spiritual vitality (cf. 1 Cor 15:42–44).

The goal of reconciliation is not resuscitation of “the way things were” but the resurrection of the relationship.

12. Reconciling with church leaders requires special care

Finally, it is important to understand the unique situation of pursuing reconciliation when there is a significant ecclesiastical power dynamic involved—like the role of pastor or Bible-study leader or senior church staff member.

Often these dynamics change the situation so dramatically that it is wise to bring another church member or pastor into the situation. This act does not entail “gossip.” Rather, by rightly esteeming those whom God has given authority in the body of Christ, bringing in another person of appropriate position and wisdom and authority allows them to carry some of the weighty awkwardness and imbalance of the relational dynamic. The trespasses and even the faults of those in authority have a more public and often more powerful impact on the Christian community (e.g., 1 Tim 5:19–20; Jas 3:1). We want to respond to those in authority in ways that acknowledge that reality.

The goal of reconciliation and forgiveness with those in authority in the church is the same as reconciliation and forgiveness between two believers who aren’t in authority: conviviality and mutual glory in the love of God. Our unique way of responding to the challenges posed by those in positions of authority recognizes the special role they have in leading that convivial life of mission and worship.