How to Relieve Tension in Your Home

Christ’s Cooking and Cleaning

God’s gentleness is often displayed through condescension. To condescend is to lower yourself in a humble manner in order to be considerate and accommodating. It’s humble. In contrast, for a human to be condescending is to make others feel low by arrogantly patronizing them. It’s prideful.

There is a condescending tone I use with my kids sometimes, in my worst moments, that if I used it with anyone else on planet Earth would be appalling. It’s a rude “That was dumb, and I know better” tone that is all too common for me. If I saw a stranger spill his coffee and I blurted out, “What were you thinking? Put a lid on it!” it would startle onlookers. Or if I saw someone not finish her meal at a restaurant and I shared a quick “What a waste! Look how I clean my plate,” I wouldn’t win any friends.

Our culture accepts such levels of patronizing from moms and dads, but Christian parents are called to a higher standard. If we speak to our children in condescending ways, it reveals that we have a worldly idea of leadership: “I’m in charge. I’m up here. You’re down there.”

There is a better way than following the world’s standard—the way we see in Jesus. Humble gentleness is something that we take for granted in Jesus. Though Jesus is perfect and all authority on heaven and earth has been given to him, during his earthly ministry he never acted condescendingly, and he was more than willing to demonstrate how kingdom leaders should be quick to condescend. He is never sinfully prideful, and he is always lowly and meek.

Of all the words that Jesus could use to describe himself, he chose “gentle and lowly” (Matt. 11:29). This means that he uses his strength carefully and that he is willing to make himself low for the sake of others. The ultimate leader, who has all authority, demonstrated gentleness and humility.

From Jesus’s example we see clearly that leadership in the kingdom of God is different from leadership in the world. In Luke 22:25, Jesus says that worldly leaders will use their positions of authority to “exercise lordship over” their inferiors. Worldly leaders use a position of authority to get what they want or make others feel low. Parents are some of the worst offenders in this. But Jesus says, “It shall not be so among you” (Matt. 20:26)! If you want to be great in the kingdom of God, if you want to be a great leader, if you want to use your position of authority (such as mom or dad) in a kingdom manner, you must use your position to serve others.

Consider how this principle was displayed at the Last Supper, where a conflict was brewing between Jesus and Peter. Jesus tells Peter that he has been praying for Peter to have a faith that won’t fail because Satan “demanded” to have him (Luke 22:31), but Peter swears he will never abandon Jesus, even if everyone else does. Then Jesus not only denies the truth of Peter’s statement but also says that before the next morning, Peter will swear three times that he doesn’t even know Jesus. Between two regular people, this might have led to a big “How dare you?” blowup.

But that is not the relationship Jesus and Peter had. Just before their conversation, Jesus demonstrates to Peter what it truly means to serve in order to be great by being willing to condescend. Knowing Peter will publicly deny Jesus multiple times, Jesus still washes Peter’s feet. Imagine that you know that your child is about to disobey you, betray you, and disown you in the worst way, and then you still get down on your hands and knees to wash his feet. That’s governed power. That is a gentle approach to conflict. Jesus is right, of course, about the mistakes Peter will make, but he is willing to do what it takes to cleanse and serve Peter even when Peter doesn’t deserve it.

Then, after the resurrection, Jesus restores his relationship with Peter in a very unexpected way. He navigates their conflict with delicate love. Though Peter still experiences emotional pain and grief, the tact Jesus uses in this situation is amazing.

What if when your child or your spouse wronged you, you responded by serving him or her, not passive-aggressively but out of sincere love?

Does he give Peter a cold shoulder? Does he withdraw and pout? Does he make passive-aggressive comments? Does he lord it over him with an “I told you so”? Does he yell at him? Does he berate, humiliate, or reject him? No. Unlike us in many circumstances, he doesn’t do any of those things.

Instead, Jesus cooks Peter breakfast and takes him on a walk. Jesus wants to talk through it. Jesus wants to restore what has been broken. He doesn’t promise that everything is going to be okay or excuse Peter’s behavior. If anything, he promises that Peter will suffer for following him. Peter will end up going “where [he does] not want to go” (John 21:18). But in gentleness and love, Jesus invites Peter into a reconciled relationship.

Imagine if we followed Jesus’s example. What if when your child or your spouse wronged you, you responded by serving him or her, not passive-aggressively but out of sincere love? What if when your children disobeyed, you didn’t berate them but blessed them, not canceling all consequences but eliminating escalating hostility?

What if you addressed every conflict with a gentle tone and a heart to serve, cooking and cleaning for the one who broke your trust? What if when people in your family hurt you, you didn’t ask yourself, “How can I avoid them?” or “How can I get back at them?” but rather “How can I serve them?” Or even “I wonder what they want for breakfast?” Jesus made a grilled fish breakfast for Peter. One of my favorite things nineteenth-century pastor Charles Spurgeon ever said was “There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.”¹ A few pancakes prepared with a servant’s heart can do more to ease family tension than a short stack of defensive arguments doled out by a selfish heart. Jesus starts addressing Peter’s betrayal of him by choosing to condescend. He finds a way to serve. In this case, he makes breakfast for a man who has worked all night.

What if, like Jesus, you invited the one who hurt you to go on a walk and talk it out? Where could you go that would give you a chance to have a calm, reconciling conversation? This is the fruit of walking by the Spirit. You respond to conflict with gentleness that will bring reconciliation. Restored relationships rarely result from winning arguments. Restoration is accomplished through sincere love and service, compassion for the humanity in the other person, humbly owning our own contribution to any conflict, forgiving, refusing to hold others’ contribution against them, and committing to do better together. The tension in your home is relieved through humility and gentleness.

This article is adapted from Good News for Parents: How God Can Restore Our Joy and Relieve Our Burdens by Adam Griffin.

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