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In today’s culture, marriage is often seen as a type of contract. Couples agree that each will do her or his part to make the marriage work.
However, what happens when the agreement is broken and one spouse doesn’t keep up their end of the bargain? Sadly, many couples simply call it quits and move on.
According to Christians, a marriage does not rest on a social contract, but a covenant. Individuals in a marriage covenant not only make a pledge to each other, but most importantly to God. In light of this, the Scriptures present an adulteress as a person who not only leaves a partner, but ignores “the covenant she made before God” (Prov 2:17 NIV). The same is said of an unfaithful husband who leaves “the wife of your marriage covenant” (Mal 2:14 NIV). God even uses covenant language to describe his marriage to Israel: “I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you” (Ezek 16:8 NIV).
To be sure, even when marriages are understood covenantally, they still face deep challenges. But one way God comes alongside Christians in marriage is by providing insight about the purpose of marriage, how to navigate its difficulties, and ways couples can protect themselves from spiritual attack.
Much of my personal research is devoted to studying marriage. For the past twenty-nine years, my wife and I have spoken at marriage conferences. The following are the books we recommend most often on marriage. They are also the ones we keep coming back to in our own marriage. With these books, couples can gain tools needed to strengthen their marriage covenants.
1. Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy?, by Gary Thomas
C. S. Lewis observed that life is made up of first and second things. Get the first things in place, advised Lewis, and the second things will follow.
When it comes to Christian marriage, what is the first thing? Or put differently, what is the main purpose of marriage from God’s perspective? Is it merely happiness, or something deeper—like holiness? Is marriage primarily about pursing our own agenda, or should it pursue God’s priorities and kingdom (Matt 6:33)?
Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?
2. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Gary Chapman
Even after embracing God’s view of marriage, couples can still struggle to show love in a way that is meaningful to each other. Why?
Chapman suggests that perhaps we are not speaking each other’s primary “love language.” We make the mistake of showing affection in the way we most appreciate. Yet, what if that isn’t how our spouse wants to be loved or cared for?
Chapman suggests five primary ways to express and receive love and then offers quick surveys that help the reader identify their preferred way to receive love. To date, it has sold over 20 million copies and is a must for any couple just starting—or for couples further down the road who feel they are speaking different love languages.
3. Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion, by Gary Chapman
Marriage counselors and experts almost universally agree that the one emotion that most easily derails communication is anger. How can the person I love so much also make me so angry?
The apostle Paul is quick to assert that anger should not be left unresolved. Rather, it should be dealt with before the sun goes down (Eph 4:26). In order to deal with my anger, I first need to understand what fosters it and how to tame it. Chapman offers a biblical diagnosis and gives suggestions on how to address anger through spiritual practices like prayer and meditation.
4. Defending Your Marriage: The Reality of Spiritual Battle, by Tim Muehlhoff
What if the anger we feel is being fueled by spiritual forces intent on dividing couples? Nearly 20 percent of everything Jesus taught in the New Testament focuses on spiritual battle. Every New Testament writer addresses spiritual battle, with John shockingly stating that the “whole world is under the control of the evil one” (1 John 5:19 NIV). Yet, many Christian books on marriage ignore the topic altogether. To ignore the reality of spiritual battle is simply unbiblical.
Our marriages exist on a spiritual battlefield, not a romantic balcony.
If we accept the reality that our marriages exist on a spiritual battlefield, not a romantic balcony, then how can we tell if our marriage is under spiritual attack? In this book, I offer five key signs that spiritual attack may be happening in your marriage or family, and most importantly, how to respond with God’s protection (Eph 6:10–20).
5. Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, by Kevin Leman
What area do couples find the most perplexing in marriage? Be it newlyweds or couples much further along, sex is often a source of frustration. Today, we are told through movies, novels, and pop culture that sex and passion is easy. Any married couple will tell you that sex can be confusing, with men and women often approaching it from very different perspectives.
Search “sex advice” and you’ll get millions of hits. Be warned, much of it runs counter to God’s design. A book on sex from a biblical perspective is a must in today’s sex-saturated world.
My wife and I often suggest couples read chapters together and allow the author to bring up topics that might otherwise feel awkward if initiated by a spouse. Rather than suffering in silence, Sheet Music can serve as a conversation starter that leads to taking the mystery out of sex.
6. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God, by Timothy & Kathy Keller
One of the mistakes we often make as Christians is to think that if we follow God’s design for marriage, then everything will be smooth sailing. In this remarkable book, the Kellers not only offer sound, biblically rooted advice for strengthening commitment, but they also share their own struggles in following that advice. Such transparency is a gift, normalizing marital difficulties. If the Kellers encounter bumps in the relational road, then it’s okay if we do, too!
Related articles
- Bible Study for Couples: Why and How to Study the Bible Together
- What Is Biblical Marriage? Foundations, Definition, and Principles
- Blessings for Insults (1 Pet 3:9): Marriage in an Argumentative Culture
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