Boston’s Funniest Comedian Ever

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Boston’s Funniest Comedian Ever July 3, 2024

Sadly, Steven Wright died earlier this year.  I have always loved his deadpan humor.  He was a genuine and true Bostonian who loved irony—

Here are some of the funnier lines attributed to him…..

  • I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear a thing.
  • I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
  • Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
  • When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
  • I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
  • Everywhere is walking distance if you’ve got the time.
  • Sometimes you cannot hear me, it’s because sometimes I’m in parentheses.
  • I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  • I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
  • I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.’
  • I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote,” so right before I die I could say “unquote.”
    • Lots of my friends have babies, but I don’t have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don’t have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there’s gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises… gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.
    • I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.
    • Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I’m unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.
    • It’s a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
    • They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven… They’re right.
    • I bought a new camera. It’s very advanced. You don’t even need it.
    • I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It’s a start…
    • In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.
    • I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
    • I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.
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