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No marriage exists in isolation. Our social context strongly influences how couples approach communication in general, and conflict in particular. If the social surroundings in which a couple find themselves promote virtues like compassion, kindness, and empathy, then civil and productive conversations become easier, or even the norm.
But what if the culture around couples promotes division, acrimony, and anger? Approaching the normal conflicts of marriage becomes more difficult and the chance for division increases.
“Argument culture”
Communication scholars have become increasingly concerned with how individuals approach and talk about their differences. Georgetown linguist Deborah Tannen labels today’s communication climate the “argument culture,” which she defines as a pervasive war-like atmosphere that makes us approach anything as if it were a verbal fight. “The argument culture urges us to regard the world—and the people in it—in an adversarial frame of mind.”
The two biggest communication casualties of the argument culture, suggests Tannen, are listening and understanding. “When you’re having an argument with someone, your goal is not to listen and understand. Instead, you use every tactic you can think of—including distorting what your opponent just said—in order to win the argument.”
Communication spirals
One result of the argument culture is the proliferation of negative communication spirals not only within culture, but in our interpersonal relationships, as well. Communication spirals occur when the actions—both verbal and nonverbal—of one person mirror and accelerate the actions of the other person. Both positive and negative spirals, notes communication scholar William Wilmot, “tend to pick up a momentum that feeds back on itself—closeness and harmony builds more closeness and harmony; misunderstanding and dissatisfaction creates more misunderstanding and dissatisfaction.”
Spirals contribute to a relationship in either generative or degenerative ways. “Generative spirals promote positive feelings about the relationship and more closeness; degenerative spirals induce negative feelings about the relationship and more distance.” Degenerative spirals will continue gaining momentum unless individuals stop or slow a spiral through some action.
Within degenerative spirals are symmetrical and complementary communication moves. In symmetrical moves, each person mirrors the actions of the other, such as two people shouting at each other. Complementary moves entail one person doing an action (shouting) and the other person doing the opposite (being silent or disengaging in the conversation).
Couples immersed in today’s vitriolic communication climate can easily fall into creating and maintaining negative spirals with each other. After all, when the argument culture dominates our news feeds and social media platforms, it’s easy to adopt that communication style at home.
Once a couple finds themselves perpetuating a negative spiral, how can they halt it and create a positive one? While not using the language of communication spirals, the apostle Peter provides a strategy for halting a negative spiral and cultivating a positive form of interaction, one that replaces an insult-for-insult pattern with a blessing-for-insult approach (1 Pet 3:9).
Peter’s alternative
Persecution is a recurring theme in Peter’s first letter to Christians scattered abroad (1:6; 2:12, 19–20; 3:13–17; 4:12, 14; 5:8–10). How should these early followers of Christ respond to the increasing intensity of attacks against their faith? Believers should not “repay evil with evil or insult with insult” (3:9 NIV). Rather, they should respond with a “blessing” (3:9). Although the Greek word for “blessing” (εὐλογέω) can simply mean to “speak well of” another, Peter likely uses the word to refer to asking (praying) for God’s favor upon someone. He learned this from Jesus who taught his followers to pray even for their adversaries (Matt 5:44; Luke 6:28).
Importantly, the call to bless does not mean that spouses cannot disagree with each other. In fact, Peter presupposes that the reason a Christian is being insulted is because they are advocating a perspective that not everyone will agree with. Nonetheless, this blessing would entail praying for a person’s awareness of God’s love while modeling that divine love and maintaining a certain level of respectfulness at all times.
Breaking the cycle
Offering a blessing is not a relational cure-all. The reality is not all people will respond favorably to a blessing-for-insult approach. Peter tells us that even if our actions are done with a clear conscience and presented in a gentle and respectful way, they may still provoke a less-than-kind response (1 Pet 3:16).
Nonetheless, what can we gain by offering a blessing instead of an insult when embroiled in a marital disagreement? Wilmot provides practical insight about Peter’s counterintuitive strategy. To check a negative spiral, you must “alter your usual response—do what comes unnaturally.” The key word to keep in mind when in the midst of a negative spiral is change. “Change the patterns,” notes Wilmot, “and you change the spiral.”
If our response to our spouse’s curt comment or harsh tone is to offer more of the same, then we have added fuel to a negative spiral. We each become entrenched in our own position. As the proverb states, an offended person “is more unyielding than a fortified city” (Prov 18:19 NIV). However, if a curt comment is met with a softer, or gentle response, then the pattern has been broken and the opportunity to begin a positive spiral presents itself. To use Peter’s language: an insult is countered with a blessing.
A posture to bless
Before Peter lays out his blessing-for-insult strategy, he writes that all Christ followers should adopt a posture of like-mindedness, sympathy, love, compassion, and humility (1 Pet 3:8). For Peter, “blessing” includes the qualities he mentions 1 Peter 3:8. As Karen Jobe states, “The command to return blessing and good for insult and evil is truly a call to a transformed character.” Peter adds that for Christians to accomplish what he is describing, they must turn from evil, do good, and pursue peace (3:11). He particularly states that a believer must “keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech” (3:10, quoting Ps 34:12–16).
While space does not allow us to explore each of these traits, let’s consider Peter’s call for sympathy. Greek scholar Kenneth Wuest notes that the word sympathy “means ‘to be affected’ by something, hence ‘to feel,’ that is, to have feelings stirred up within one by some circumstances.”
When listening to a spouse emotionally share their opinion, do we become defensive, immediately push back with a counter perspective, or do we attempt to feel what they are feeling? What emotions would surface if I had my spouse’s perspective? Would I feel hurt, betrayed, misunderstood, or neglected? Placing myself in their perspective does not necessarily mean I agree with their view, but rather, it allows me to be affected by their pain or hurt. To take a sympathetic posture in the midst of a disagreement serves them relationally and can halt a negative communication spiral.
Motivations to bless
No doubt Peter knew how difficult and counterintuitive this blessing-for-insult response would be for many in the Christian community. It certainly was for him. When Jesus was betrayed by Judas and approached by a detachment of soldiers carrying torches and weapons, Peter’s instinct was not to bless but to retaliate. He drew a sword and wounded the servant of a high priest (John 18:10).
So Peter knows this blessing-for-insult approach will be difficult. The same could be said of Christian couples who desire to eschew today’s argument culture and adopt a countercultural approach to marital disagreements: it will be difficult.
But Peter offers three motivations:
1. A person engaging in the communication advocated by Peter will “see good days” (3:10 NIV)
While Peter does not guarantee that a believer will never experience persecution or pain, they will experience a qualitatively richer life where awareness of God’s blessing and favor is heightened by the Spirit. In our context, a spouse offering a blessing instead of an insult will feel God’s affirmation and pleasure in doing so.
2. The “eyes of the Lord” will be on the righteous and “his ears attentive to their prayer” (3:12 NIV)
Peter uses a preposition here that means “to” or “toward”; as in, “God’s ears are directed toward the righteous, which paints a “picture of God bending down into the very prayers of His children, earnestly listening to their petitions, eager to answer them and come to the aid of those who pray.” As a spouse seeks to pursue peace and respond to harsh comments or even insults with a blessing, they can be assured that God is present and leaning into their prayers for help.
3. The “face of the Lord is against those who do evil” (3:12)
Peter is not condoning those who hurl insults, or suggesting that God will idly sit back and watch a spouse speak in an uncharitable way. Rather, Peter is suggesting that God can address our spouse’s attitude by using our kind approach—blessing-for-insult—to convict the heart of our spouse (see the response in 3:16).
Relational level of communication
Offering a blessing for an insult doesn’t merely stop a negative spiral from gaining momentum. It also has the potential to strengthen the relationship.
In our communication with others, there exists two levels of meaning. The content level is the literal meaning of the words we are using and includes our deepest convictions. The relational level consists of the amount of affection, respect, and compassion two people express toward each other. Both levels can be seen in Peter’s admonishment that all believers need to “be prepared to give an answer” for their faith, but to do so in a communication style characterized by “gentleness and respect” (1 Pet 3:15 NIV). Our answer is the content level, while the gentleness and respect we show towards those who disagree with us establishes the relational level. The same can be seen in Paul’s command to “Speak the truth [content level] in love [relational level]” (Eph 4:15 NLT).
In a Christian marriage, blessing our spouse even in the midst of a disagreement establishes the relational level of our communication and demonstrates our concern for others. Because we know that words can wound others like the “thrusts of a sword” (Prov 12:18 NASB), we refuse to harm others with our communication even as we experience pain caused by their uncharitable words.
Jesus, our ultimate example
If these early Christians can respond to insults and persecution with a blessing, then certainly modern followers of Jesus can respond in a similar manner toward spouses who may communicate in a harsh or unkind manner. What both ultimately have in common is the need to look toward a Savior, who while facing varying degrees of hostility didn’t retaliate but kept entrusting himself to God (1 Pet 2:23).
Recommended resources
- Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy by Gary Thomas
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, Revised and Updated by John M. Gottman PhD, Nan Silver, et al.
- Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, et al.
- Christian Marriage: From Basic Principles to Transformed Relationships by D M Lloyd-Jones
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