Choosing a Church When the Church Isn’t Your Style
Culture shock is an odd feeling. When it happens, you’re caught off guard, asking yourself, Is it me? Or is it them that’s weird? In the summer of 2000, my husband and I found ourselves walking into a new church. Hailing from sunny California, the oppressive Mid-Atlantic heat had me dressed in my usual summer church attire of a mini skirt, tank top, and flip flops. Bad idea! We walked into the service and found ourselves surrounded by suits, nylons, heels, and a lot of stained glass. The mere music, the standing to recite creeds, and the hour-long sermon eventually all caught up to me. I couldn’t keep the tears back anymore. I didn’t fit in. I didn’t understand it. And I did not like the music. But God had other plans for us.
At the time I didn’t realize that I was experiencing an interruption to a set of expectations of what I thought church was supposed to be like. It all felt so foreign. And yet it didn’t. When the service finished, people lingered and talked to one another. They seemed to love being there and being with one another. People of different ages and stages of life were mingling and talking about spiritual things. When we got in the car to drive home, there was so much to talk about from the sermon my head was spinning. The church certainly was not our style, but something intrigued us. We returned the next week.
Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar position. You may be looking for a church to call home, but the music is too old school or maybe too mainstream. I spoke to some friends who recently moved, and they were struggling to find a new church home. Nothing they had visited fit their style, but they didn’t want to be “picky.” What advice should I give to that friend? How should they go about choosing a church family where they can worship the Lord with his people in spirit and truth even when things aren’t according to their style?
The encouragement I had for them is the same I would have for anyone. Prioritize two main things in your decision-making process. Choose a church that is centered on the word and driven by love.
Centered on the Word
As Christians, we believe that the Bible holds “everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). The story of the valley of dry bones in Ezekiel 37 highlights the power of God’s word to bring literal life into dead men’s bones. This is why the most fundamental thing we need to seek in a church is expositional preaching, where the point of the sermon is the point of the text applied to the heart of the hearers.
We know that “faith comes from hearing and hearing comes from the word of God” (Rom. 10:17), and yet we can be so easily amused on a Sunday morning. If we’re not careful, we find ourselves gravitating toward entertainment, desiring sermons full of stories and yet light on the word of God. At times we might be tempted to choose physical conveniences of ease in attending church instead of participating in a family gathering where we have a part to play.
We might run the risk of choosing what we like instead of what we need. Failing to prioritize the steady diet of God’s word being sung, prayed, read, and preached in our weekly gatherings runs the risk of stunting our spiritual growth. We end up on a diet of milk instead of the solid food of God’s word. (Heb. 5:12) It’s like trying to train for a marathon on nothing more than protein bars. Those are fine and good in a pinch, but you’ll end up malnourished and unprepared for race day when it comes.
Driven by Love
Secondly, a church must be driven by love—love for God and love for one another.
Jesus said, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:37-40). He also said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).
If Jesus is prized and prioritized in the church family gathering, then a love for one another should naturally follow. As followers of the Lord Jesus, we know we have no good apart from him. His blood was shed to pay the penalty for our sins, and he was raised to life to secure our eternal future with him. That is perfect love!
A church must be driven by love—love for God and love for one another.
We love because he first loved us! This love for one another should be visible as we strive to outdo one another in showing honor. (Rom. 12:10) We love one another in our service of them, giving of our time to assist in the service of the church. There are so many ways for us to be providers and not consumers in our churches. There is always work to be done in love.
Find a church where people are not just physically present during the service but gone immediately afterward like roaches in the light. Don’t come to church to fill a seat and leave. Worshiping the Lord in spirit and truth means giving of yourself for the sake of God’s people.
There might be a lot of other things about the church you don’t understand or care for, but if God’s word is central to the gathered body and if there is evident love for the Lord Jesus and his people, that is a place where the Lord is glorified and his people are growing. That is a church you want to be a part of.
That church we walked into twenty-four years ago became the backbone of our lives for years. My husband and I grew and flourished under the preaching of God’s word and the evident love for him and one another. There were things we may not have preferred, but the most important things were there. I never did buy a suit or wear nylons, but I did worship the Lord together with his people in that place, and I will forever give God praise that he brought our lives into that building so many years ago.
Erin Wheeler is the author of How Can I Make the Most of Sunday Services?.
Erin Wheeler is the author of The Good Portion – The Church: Delighting in the Doctrine of the Church. She also works part-time as a labor and delivery nurse. Erin is a Bible teacher and one of the cohosts of the 9Marks Priscilla Talk podcast. Erin and her husband, Brad, live in Fayetteville, Arkansas. They have four children. They are members of University Baptist Church, where Brad serves as the lead pastor.
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