1. Church Relationships: Improving Church Communications

This article is a continuation of our series on church leadership, as follows…

Part I, A Philosophy / Theology of Church Leadership.

1. The purposes of the church.

2. Formulating a philosophy of church ministry.

3. Christian leaders and leadership: Their definition and characteristics.

4. Pastoral leadership.

Part II, Strengthening Church relationships.

1. Improving church communications.

2. Dealing with church discipline.

3. Managing church conflict.

4. Leading your church through change.

This is the first article in Part II: “Improving Communications.” Communication is the exchange of information between two or more people. Thus, to communicate effectively we must be able to express ourselves in such a way that those who listen can understand what we say and what we mean. So many organizations have poor internal communications. They fail to communicate organizational news, plans, developments etc. to those who need to and should hear it.

Good communication is vital to the harmony and efficient operation of any organization. Good church communication in particular is a two-way street, from leadership to the members and from the members to leadership. In order for church members to feel (and to actually be) an integral part of the organization, the church leadership has to inform them about what is going on and the members have to have opportunity to participate in on-going dialogue with leadership about their wishes, ideas, concerns etc.

Communication should be a pastor’s strength since this is our craft – communicating the gospel and edifying God’s people through teaching and preaching. But sadly, communication with church members is often not our strong point. Members often feel that they are not informed about developments, or not consulted about certain important decisions. And, frankly, they are often right. Sometimes this is because the church has never properly defined what issues must be brought before the members – church leaders often think they can make the decision, whereas the members think they should have been consulted. But even on issues that do not need member agreement, the communication by church leaders with the congregation about matters of congregational interest and importance is often sparse and poorly done.

Let us not forget the very practical fact that the church members are the ones who fund the church’s operations and provide the human resources for church ministries to function. Therefore, if you want their continued co-operation, initiative, and support, you are duty bound to keep them informed and, where necessary and appropriate, consult them.

The question always is, “Which issues do we need to get the members’ agreement on, and which issues do we need to simply inform them about?” This question needs to be settled by each individual church, which will depend on the church’s convictions and traditions concerning organizational structure. But even if the level of decision-making is defined, there still needs to be great sensitivity by church leaders as to issues that should be communicated voluntarily, such as matters of common interest, church developments, news, thanks for member support etc. Of course, certain matters require even greater communication awareness than others, like building plans and progress, vision and strategic ministry plans, annual budgets, and changes in pastoral staff. So, try to communicate as much as possible with transparency and openness, without becoming enslaved to a burdensome administrative system. Generally, it is better to over-communicate than to lose credibility by appearing to be secretive or insensitive.

Communication is a really big topic, so I don’t pretend that this article will address everything you might want to know. But I will try to cover some of the more important bases…

I. Realities About Communication.

A. Communication Is Challenging.

If it were simple, we would all do it much better than we presently do and we would not have the misunderstandings that we do. There are many reasons why communication is challenging. Here are a few examples…

1. We often express ourselves in ways that do not communicate what we intend, leading to misunderstandings. This is one of the limitations and complexities of language.

2. Communication can be verbal and / or non-verbal (as in body language – e.g. hand and arm movements, facial expressions etc.). The communicator is usually not aware of his non-verbal communication and yet, often, more is deduced about meaning from non-verbal than from verbal communication. This, in itself, can lead to confusion and misunderstanding. Were the communicator’s non-verbal expressions a true indicator of what he was saying or were they merely the product of habit (e.g. talking to someone with your arms folded or your hands on your hips)? If so, they may not be an indication at all of what he was trying to say at all.

3. We hear someone speak with words that we understand but whose meaning we do not understand (at least, not with certainty): “What did he mean by what he said?” This is the same hermeneutical issue we face when interpreting the Bible. It’s vitally important in communication that the party receiving the communication understands what is being said in the same way that the one communicating understands it.

4. In this digital age, we more often than not use one-way communication (as in e-mail), which requires even more precision than in two way communication (as in a conversation, a debate, or a meeting).

B. Understanding Is Affected By Many Factors.

Our understanding of what is said is usually affected by other factors such as our experience, feelings (e.g. about the topic or the speaker), and attitudes. You can communicate or listen with a positive, receptive attitude or a negative, unreceptive attitude. Your attitude may be affected by your previous experience with, or relationship to, the speaker. Or, it may be affected by your health, state of mind, or previous good or bad experiences that day.

You may interpret what the speaker says in terms of your own personal needs or expectations. If you expect to hear one thing but hear another, that affects how you receive what is communicated. People tend to interpret what they hear or read within the framework of what they want to hear or read. Communication that does not meet our expectations is either filtered out altogether (we do not hear it at all), or rationalized, or stripped altogether of its intended meaning.

Because communication is so complex, it’s easy to understand how two people can listen to the exact same communication but derive from it two entirely different understandings. Those of us who are preachers face this challenge regularly when people derive from a sermon something that we did not say or intend. As pastors we face this whenever we are involved in conflict resolution between people, just trying to convince one or both parties that they do not understand the issue properly. It isn’t a matter of deceit; they just interpret what was said or done in different ways.

When you consider all the variables in communication, you quickly realize how conflicts in any organization or relationship can occur so easily.

C. Healthy Communication Depends On Trust And Truth.

Keeping these two factors in balance is sometimes hard. Trust is earned by the leader over time through your relationships, reliability, kindness, fairness. Truth is demonstrated in the leader’s forthright, open, and accurate communications. I used to work for a businessman who used to say, “You can do business with anyone except someone who lies.” The reason he said that was because you never know where you stand with someone you don’t trust - you never know if they are telling you the truth or not.

It's important to understand the distinction between forthrightness and unkindness. You can be and must be forthright (so that people know where you stand) but without being unkind (Eph. 4:29). It is not satisfactory to say something and then justify it with: “Well, I was just being honest.” Honesty is often used as a cloak for many communication sins among Christians, as though honesty somehow outweighs the sin of cruelty. Usually such persons are not being honest; they are being vengeful (Prov. 15:1).

A trust environment is a prerequisite for truth to be freely and fully expressed - the two go together. But how do you balance the two so that truth is not expressed in a way that disrupts trust. The balancing factor between truth and trust is to follow the apostle Paul’s counsel to always “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15), and to ensure that our “speech (is) always gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col. 4:6). This is a principle that is often forgotten.

All communication must be done with sensitivity and wisdom. Sometimes this means that you do not say anything because to do so might inflict damage, especially when a response is not needed. This is being “wise as serpents and harmless as doves” (Matt. 10:16). All our communications must pass a threefold test: (1) “Is it necessary to say this? (2) Is it kind? (3) Is it true?”

Truthful communication means that sometimes we will say things that the other person does not want to hear (Prov. 27:5-6). Sometimes we need to express our feelings and clarify misunderstandings. Sometimes we need to say things that might generate a negative reaction. For this to be done successfully, there must be an environment of love and respect, of mutual trust and acceptance; an environment in which neither party seeks to denigrate the other.

Lack of trust in leadership is a big issue in many churches. When an environment of distrust exists people start to talk secretly between themselves, not in an open forum where disagreements can be properly aired. They interpret actions and statements negatively, not positively. They attribute to statements and actions deceptive motives, not honest. They start to meet in small private groups, not large public gatherings. It becomes an “us” and “them” situation. This is a major barrier to the type of communication that is necessary and should exist in churches more than anywhere else.

So, how do you build this environment of trust and truth, and who creates it?...

1. The responsibility to generate this atmosphere of trust lies with the leaders. Leaders must, above all else, have strong relationships with the people – the people must know the heart of the leadership. Developing an environment of trust requires two factors: (1) Willingness to be vulnerable; (2) Understanding and valuing each individual. When these factors are present, relationships within the group can move from fear-based to trust-based relationships.

Leaders need to set the example by practicing open, honest communication themselves. They must demonstrate the willingness to be vulnerable. This means being transparent about their decisions, plans, feelings, values, convictions. They must take the time to know and understand each individual. They must demonstrate that they value each individual for who he or she is. Open, honest communication means communicating things to the congregation that they don’t have to communicate, but do so because they want to create this open, honest atmosphere. They want the people to never feel that things are being hushed up, that they are being kept in the dark.

2. The leaders of the church must encourage open dialogue. This means (1) creating forums for this to take place; (2) not being defensive when people challenge their decisions; (3) responding to people’s statements and questions in a non-judgmental manner; (4) respecting people for who they are, regardless of whether they agree with you or not; (5) admitting when they (the leaders) are wrong; (6) telling the people when they (the people) are wrong (perhaps because they do not know all the facts, which is often the case); (7) sometimes telling the people things that they might not want to hear. One of the prices tags that comes with open, honest dialogue is hearing bad news or things you do not want to hear or being shown that you are wrong or being overruled.

3. The leaders must allow the expression of conflicting opinions. Healthy leadership wants its members to be free to express differing opinions and they do so by establishing ground rules for dealing with disagreements within the group. Such ground rules are based on trust and respect. As trust builds, members become freer to engage in group discussions, debates, and meetings where there are conflicting opinions. This is critical to problem solving because this allows for healthy, open, authentic interaction, which produces better decisions and greater likelihood of achieving group goals.

When there is open, respectful dialogue, discussions go beyond the superficial to the real issues, because emotional reactions are not a hindrance to open discussions when everyone knows they are loved and where there is mutual trust.

In general, an environment of trust means creating a safe place for open, honest, loving communication. The critical questions are: How can church leaders create this atmosphere of open and honest dialogue? What sort of forums can leaders create that nurture this kind of communication? What is the pastoral role in creating this environment?

D. Leaders Need Good Communication Skills.

If you can’t communicate accurately, clearly, and relationally, you cannot be a good leader. After all, the main concepts, values, plans etc. of an organization are usually communicated by the leader to the members of the organization. In a church the process usually starts with the initial proposal by the leadership, followed by the solicitation and collection of the members’ opinions, wishes, and ideas in response. Then, when this input is consolidated and combined with the leaders’ original visions and plans, a final proposal is brought to the members in such a way that they take ownership of it.

Good communication is also needed by the leader for every development in the organization which needs to be communicated to the members. Take the example of Jesus’ communication to his followers. Jesus devoted much of his instructional communication to matters of principles, values, future plans, and relationships (cf. Matt. 27:37-39; 7:12; 6:25-34; 24:1-51; 16:21-28). He wanted them to be very cognizant of what they stood for, why they were here, where they were going, what they had to do, and what their scope of responsibilities and authority was. In other words, he wanted them to know how they could and should best represent him (particularly when he was gone). This is so much of the leader’s task - to infuse into his followers his philosophies, vision, values, standards, and plans so that they will act as he acts (i.e. adopt his values, beliefs, and behavior), so that they will carry on the mission (whether he is there or not) in a way that is consistent with how he carried on the mission.

Such was Jesus’ ability to communicate that he inspired the apostles’ writings; he laid the basis for the establishment of his church after his departure (Matt. 6:18); and he radically changed the subsequent history of the world. The power of good communication by a leader is evident not only in Jesus’ example but also in both secular and religious history (e.g. Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Billy Graham).

In the church, the pastor’s communication skills do not start and stop with preaching. Preaching is certainly his primary task, of course, but he must also be able to communicate the church’s reason for existence – who it is, why it is here, where it is going, how it is going to get there.

II. Keys To Good Communication

1. Understanding people. You must understand what makes them tick, how they think, how they react, why they do what they do.

2. Knowing what you are talking about. No matter how good your oratory, if you don’t know what you are talking about the people to whom you are talking will know; what you say will not be authoritative; and you will create an atmosphere of distrust because people will not know if what you say is true and whether it will happen, or not.

3. Communicating when the time is right. So many leaders make the mistake of communicating thoroughly good information but at the wrong time, and then they wonder why the people responded in a different way than they expected. “When” we communicate is just as important as “how” and “what” we communicate.

If you say something to a person at the right time, they will accept it, adopt it, support it, whereas at the wrong time they might turn against what you said, even though what you said was perfectly good and proper. There are times when people are pliable and receptive to what you are saying. There are other times when they just cannot or will not compute what you communicate. Good leaders know the right time to communicate.

Usually, the right time is not dumping a whole load of information at once, or enacting a lot of significant change at once, or trying to communicate too much too quickly. There is only so much data that people can process in a certain period of time. A good leader knows how much to communicate at one time. A good communicator builds up to the hard communication over time.

4. Discerning the appropriate response. Don’t bury your head in the sand when you have finished communicating. You need to have your ears and eyes open to discern what the response is at the grass roots level, among the people who probably wouldn’t respond to you directly. Being able to “read” people’s responses is vital to being a good communicator because communication isn’t a one-way street.

Whether the response is verbal or non-verbal, there will be a response. And the communication has not finished when you have delivered your speech. It carries on until all the responses are in and until you have made any corrections if necessary. If the response is not what you wanted or expected (1) you might have to change course by modifying what you said; or (2) you might have to cancel what you said altogether (if you do, you probably made a big mistake in the process); or (3) you might have to give more information to persuade the people of your view and your proposal.

5. Striving to improve your communication skills. This means constantly learning how to preach and constantly learning how to communicate in a non-preaching mode.

III. Developing Good Communication Skills

A. Individual (Private) Communication.

1. Be a good listener. “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” (James 1:19). This is of particular importance for pastors. How can we practice it in reality? How can you be a good listener?

(i) Don’t interrupt. Let the other person do the talking until your participation is appropriate. Some people (including pastors sometimes) talk incessantly. We need to understand that what other people want to express is important.

(ii) Take note of what the other person is saying both verbally and non-verbally.

(iii) Figure out what the other person means by what they say.

(iv) Be attentive. Look at the other person in the eye. Don’t let your attention wander by looking around.

(v) Interact intentionally with the other person by asking questions (to clarify). Show your understanding by responses like “Yes,” “OK,” “I understand”).

(vi) Talk about the other person’s situation and concern and not about yourself.  This shows the other person that you are interested in them alone.

2. Be consistent. Be consistent in your attitude toward the other party, in your respect for them, in the way you interact with them. This is difficult sometimes, particularly if they have been critical of you or others. In this situation, try to carry out the apostle Paul’s instruction: “In humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Phil. 2:3), and “Esteem them very highly in love because of their work” (1 Thess. 5:13).

3. Be encouraging. Encourage the other party by showing unconditional love, that your relationship with them and opinion of them is not changed by what they say. A great way to encourage people is to pray with them.

4. Be responsive. Respond appropriately in your language, attitude, and content. Don’t respond with a mini-sermon every time. Don’t try to make every issue a spiritual matter if it is not. Respond to the other party at the same level as they speak to you, which may be at a superficial level or a deeper, spiritual level. If the other person is light-hearted, respond that way. If they are deeply burdened, respond that way. In your response, don’t try to be an expert when you are not, don’t try to have all the answers.

It is always inappropriate to use corrupt or coarse language or foolish talk ((Eph. 4:29; 5:3-4). It is always inappropriate to speak evil of someone (Tit. 3:2; James 4:11; Jude 8).

Responding appropriately means figuring out what this person needs, be it comfort, counsel, validation, or just the need to vent their feelings to someone, someone to understand them and what they are going through.

5. Be sensitive and tactful. Choose your words carefully. Watch your tongue – it can spread poison (James 3:1-12). “Speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:25). “Let your speech always be with grace seasoned with salt” (Col. 4:6). “Be kind to one another” (Eph. 4:32).

6. Be supportive. It is easy to treat people like a number – “Next!” – and then promptly forget that the previous person even existed. When you meet them next time, ask how it is going, what happened, how they feel (1 Thess. 5:11). If something has been left for you to do, always make sure you do it as you promised.

B. Collective (Public) Communication.

Collective communication may be to the congregation or to the Board or staff or some special interest group. All the principles of individual communication apply, but communicating publicly (whether to all the congregation or part of it) has some of its own characteristics and challenges.

In order to be consistent and accurate in public communication, it is good to have some policies and procedures in place that cover such things as: (1) Regularly scheduled events at which to communicate certain information (e.g. quarterly business meetings; annual meetings; town hall meetings). (2) Timely disclosure – when certain information is to be disclosed and to whom (e.g. budgets, spending, new initiatives, staff resignations or dismissals). By spelling out in a policy of procedure who the recipients are of certain information and when they should be informed, you can try to ensure that no one who needs to know is left out. (3) Material information – information that will have a material impact on the church (e.g. shortfalls in donations; a lawsuit; or a potential liability or risk). Such policies and procedures should cover your communication and relationship with the congregation and between the leadership.

1. Relationship and communication with the congregation. Ask yourself the following questions…

a) How can we effectively communicate with the congregation? From the pulpit? In the bulletin? One-on-one? In groups? In membership meetings?

b) Who communicates to the congregation? The pastor? The Chair of the Board? Specially designated person? – e.g. chair of finance committee.

c) What is communicated to the congregation? Better to communicate more than they need to know than too little. Communication of the church’s vision is the responsibility of the visionary (usually, the pastor), who is also the living example of what the vision is all about. You illustrate what the vision is about by, for example, your enthusiasm for it, your time commitment to it, the resources you commit to it. The communication of the vision is vitally important if you want your people to adopt it as their own and participate in making it reality. Notice how Jesus communicated his vision (Luke 19:10; John 3:17; John 10:9-10). What is his key component, common theme?

2. Relationship and communication between leadership. Good relationships and communications between the Elders’ Board and pastoral staff are vital for a healthy leadership group and a healthy church. And yet, this is a potentially problematic relationship, especially in a church that practices congregational government where the lines of accountability and areas of responsibility are not always crystal clear or neatly divided up. In the church, often the Board as a whole (through its Chair) is accountable to the congregation directly as is also the lead pastor individually.

I would suggest that churches need to become far more intentional in defining the roles, responsibilities, and accountabilities of its pastoral staff and its leadership, and the relationship between the them (between the Board and the congregation; between the pastor and the congregation; and between the pastor and the Board). However it is defined, the leadership of the church is a common task of the elders and the pastors. They have to make sure that it works. A divided leadership team will make for a weak ministry.

Biblically, there is no distinction between elders and pastors – an elder is a pastor (1 Peter. 5:1; Acts 20:28). But practically we make a distinction in their functions because elders are part-time volunteers and pastors are full-time, paid staff. Probably the best distinction is that (1) the elders’ role is to govern (they deal primarily with policy matters, direction, spending, spiritual issues, ministry etc.); (2) the pastor’s role, assisted by staff, is to lead and manage day-to-day matters. Again, these inter-relationships should be at least covered in broad brush terms in a policy and procedure statement.

The elders of the church need to understand that the scope of their mandate is: (1) To be a governing body and not a management team; and (2) To set policy, vision, direction, approve budgets and new ministry initiatives, review financial statements etc. The role of the pastoral staff, on the other hand, is carry out the day-to-day management, subject to the approval of the elders and congregation as necessary. That’s why a church has staff. To not let them carry out the day-to-day execution of day-to-day management issues and duly approved decisions would be an indication of the lack of trust that often exists in our churches.

To enhance the working relationship between the leadership and the pastoral staff, obviously, they need to communicate regularly, openly, honestly between themselves. If such communication doesn’t exist at that level, you can hardly expect it to exist at a congregational level. The purpose of this level of communication is to deal effectively with ministry and practical issues as they relate to the function of elders and pastors.

The direction and stability of an organization stem from the communication and relationship between the Board and the management staff (in this case, the pastors). If there is tension in this relationship, it will affect the communication and the leadership of the church. Often there is a difference of approach to certain issues because the pastoral staff view certain decisions from a different perspective than lay elders, based on their knowledge of the congregation and their theological, biblical, pastoral perspective.

Lay elders are often business people or people from other professions and trades whose training pushes them toward solving problems, setting policies, giving direction etc. from an entirely different perspective. This is where everyone needs to serve the church as shepherds of the church, from a kingdom perspective.

Some suggestions for improving intra-leadership (pastor-elder) communications and relationships are…

a) Training. It helps if pastors train their lay elders whenever possible and suitable. Teach them the Bible, particularly as it relates to the biblical theology of being an elder, of leading the church, of church ministry and leadership. Teach them about prayer. Teach them about the fruit of the Spirit.

b) Developing relationships. The pastor can play a very important role in developing intra-leadership relationships. If people know each other personally and respect each other at a non-formal level, this always helps when differing opinions need to be resolved at formal meetings. Any interaction in a relaxed, non-threatening environment helps to break down communication barriers. Some suggestions for a pastor to help to develop these relationships are…

Spend time together between official meetings – for example, by inviting the elders to your home for social occasions; or by arranging elder-pastor retreats. This creates a more relaxed setting with time to talk together.

Express your appreciation to your lay elders – for their time, interest, commitment to the Lord and the church. Being appreciated does wonders for relationships. If people know they are loved and appreciated, they will be much more accommodating of your ideas.

Pray together (for each other and the church) and study the word together. I would strongly recommend that all meetings should be preceded with prayer and a word from the Scriptures. This sets the tone for the meeting.

Encourage each Board member – for example, when they are criticized by members of the church or when something goes wrong in their lives.

Exercise forgiveness regularly and freely. This is all very biblical but often forgotten. Again the pastor would do well to teach the leadership such principles as (1) esteeming others better than yourself (Phil. 2:3), forgiving one another and speaking kindly to one another (Eph. 4:32). Leadership is so public, so risky, and so complex, that forgiveness and the other Christian relational attributes must be spontaneously and openly practiced or communication will not work well.

3. Relationship and communication between other leadership groups. Just as the pastoral staff and the elders should meet regularly to communicate and make joint decisions, so other ministry leaders in the church should meet regularly with their volunteers in order for everyone to be on the same page regarding the church’s operations, ministry goals, and vision. The more open and regular the communication, the better. Generally speaking, you can’t over communicate.

Final Remarks

Many volumes of books have been written on this subject of organizational communication. This article is really just a brief introduction to the subject. Of course, in our context of church relationships and communications, we find our most authoritative and practical instructions on this topic in Scripture, such as…

James 1:19. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

Proverbs 10:19. “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”

Ephesians 4:29. “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Proverbs 18:2. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”

Ephesians 4:15. “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”

Ephesians 4:25. “Having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.”

Romans 12:4–5. “For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.”

Ephesians 2:22. “In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11. “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Romans 12:3. “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think.”

Philippians 2:3. “In humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

Let us take heed to these Scriptures (and many others) and practice them in our communication and relationship with others. I hope that this article stimulates your thinking on this topic. I hope that it motivates you to document policies and procedures that govern communications in your church and to be intentional about developing your own communication skills and relationships. If you do, I think you will find that your communications will become more effective and you will develop more healthy relationships in your church. May that be so for the glory of God and the blessing of the church.